Lesson 43: Ordinary Moments, Annotating & Revising a Narrative

Turn and Talk

Have students review their homework from the previous lesson. Students will Turn and Talk with a partner (the same partner they completed the Peer Review with, if possible) to discuss what they wrote.

• Ask: What section of your narrative would most benefit from revision? What are two things you can do to strengthen this section?

  • The section at the beginning would most benefit from revision. I could add more descriptions and include some figurative language.

Have students respond to their partner’s ideas by asking clarifying questions.

• Ask: Why do you want to focus on this section? How will your chosen techniques strengthen the writing?

  • I want to focus on this section because it seems flat right now and vague. Adding description and figurative language will help the reader see the scene from my narrator’s perspective.

Tell students that today, they will annotate and revise their chosen moments in preparation for presenting their chosen excerpt. Remind students of these components of the Showcase by displaying the Showcase Performance Task prompt:

For this task, you’ll write a personal narrative and have a discussion. For your personal narrative, you’ll write about an ordinary moment—a walk home, a conversation, a mistake, or a choice—that reveals something important about who you are or how you belong. After revising a section for clear voice and strong detail, you’ll share an excerpt in our class anthology and then participate in a presentation of your excerpt and Community Dialogue, where you’ll have an opportunity to present your story and discuss why others’ stories are important. Today, we’ll begin your personal narratives.

• Say: We are at the “Revise a section for clear voice and strong detail” portion of the showcase. Today, we’ll review what it means to annotate and revise. Then you’ll revise your chosen portion to prepare to present your excerpt. If you haven’t already, make your final decisions about which section you are going to annotate and revise.

Connection to Today’s Learning

• Say: Writers revise to increase clarity and meaning. You won’t need to revise your whole narrative; you’ll work on one section. You’ll use annotation as a revision strategy.

Annotation as Revision Strategy

Say these Directions: Yesterday, you and your partner identified sections of strength in your writing, as well as sections that would benefit from revision. Today, we are addressing the areas that would benefit from revision. We are not just editing. We are revising! Editing fixes mistakes. Revising makes writing stronger. Think of editing as sweeping and tidying a room, while revising is moving furniture around…maybe even taking down some walls!

• • Editing addresses, commas, spelling, and grammar.

  • Revising adds clarity, details, and emotions, and addresses structural aspects such as pacing.

• Say: We are going to annotate our own writing to show our thinking before we revise it.

Next, introduce the idea of annotation as a revision strategy. Display:

• “How to Annotate for Revision”

  • Annotation: a mark on a piece of writing to note areas for revision or strength

  • Annotation markings:

  • Circle vague words, such as upset, happy, stuff, and things.

  • Underline verbs and check their tenses. Don’t switch from past tense to present or the other way around.

  • Star one place where you can improve punctuation for pacing.

  • Put a square next to one area that might benefit from more vivid language.

  • In the margin, write how to revise the area.

  • Put a box around words that are spelled incorrectly.

• Say: When we annotate, we circle places that need improvement. You will circle vague words such as upset, happy, stuff, and things. Underline verbs and check their tenses. Star one place where you can improve punctuation for pacing, and put a square next to one area that might benefit from more vivid language. These are all areas that could benefit from revision. You can also identify misspelled words. Put a box around these words. The act of marking your narrative to identify these areas is called annotation.

• Ask: Can you think of a time you annotated your own writing?

Model with a short sample section. Project the passage and then model how to annotate it.

I walk home after school. I felt upset. Angela didn’t sit with me at lunch. I thought about it the whole way home.

• Say: First, I’m going to circle vague words. I’ll circle upset. I could be more precise with that description. What kind of upset? Angry? Embarrassed? Hurt? In the margin, I’m going to write: Be specific—describe this feeling. Next, I’m going to underline the verbs. I’ll underline walk, felt, didn’t sit, thought. Walk is the only one in the present tense. Write different tense next to walk. It might be okay to use the present tense here, but since felt and thought are past tense, one of them needs to change. Those three verbs should match because they are happening at the same time. I’ll change walk to the past tense to be consistent. Next, I’ll look at punctuation. The sentences are all very short. Should I combine any to change the pacing? I’ll put a star next to the first two sentences because I think I can combine those. I’ll write Combine in the margin. I also think the language is kind of boring. I’ll put a square next to the whole section to remind myself to include more descriptive language. Write Include descriptive language in the margin. I notice that one word doesn’t look right. I’ll put a box around the word thought to remember to check the spelling. I can write spelling in the margin to remind myself. After I annotate my section, I’m ready to revise! First, I’m going to read the whole section out loud so I can think about how to revise it. It’s helpful to hear it as my audience will. This will also help me get my writing out of my head.

Here’s how I revised this section:

I walked home after school, feeling the heat from my embarrassed cheeks. Angela didn’t sit with me at lunch, and that stuck in my brain like a splinter in a piece of wood. The walk home seemed so much longer.

• Say: Notice that my revision still conveys the same ideas and isn’t much longer than the original. Also, my spelling issue resolved itself because I removed the word I had misspelled. The goal of revision is to strengthen the writing and make it more interesting to read.

Guide students in a brief discussion about the annotation process.

• One thing I notice about the revised section is _______.

• One question I have about annotation is: _______.

• Using/improving _______ strengthened the writing because _______.

  • One thing I notice about the revised section is that it has more emotion in it. One question I have about annotation is: do you always have to use stars and squares? Other symbols make more sense to me. Improving verb tenses strengthened the writing, because it made it clear when the story was taking place.

Address students’ questions and concerns as you discuss the annotation process.Tell students that they will work on annotating a section from their own narrative.

• Say: Explain to a partner how annotation helps you revise for stronger writing.

Connection to Today’s Learning

• Say: “Annotating your writing before you revise shows you exactly what you need to address in your writing. It gives you a sort of road map to complete your revision.”

Part A: Annotate a Section of the Personal Narrative (W.6.3, W.6.3.d, L.6.1.a, L.6.3.a) (10 minutes)

Teach: Annotation 

Have students annotate a section of their personal narrative, then receive peer feedback.

Give students a checklist to complete and a list of items to look for as they annotate. Review the Performance Task Handout before students begin.

Say these Directions: You will now annotate your chosen section. Use this checklist to complete the process:

• Choose a section to revise. Ask yourself:

  • What section lacks clarity or description?

  • What section feels too slow or too fast?

  • What section feels vague or boring?

• Annotating for Revision

  • Choose your section.

  • Annotate the section:

    • Circle vague words, such as upset, happy, stuff, and things.

    • Underline verbs and make sure their tenses are all the same.

    • Star one place where you can improve punctuation for pacing.

    • Put a square next to one area that needs more vivid language.

    • Put a box around words that are spelled incorrectly.

Before students revise, have them share their annotation ideas with a partner (ideally, the one who peer reviewed their narrative).

• Say: Share your ideas for revision with a partner. You can respond to one another’s ideas using sentence frames:

  • Partner A: I want to revise this section because _______. Partner B: One idea to strengthen this section would be to _______.

  • Partner A: I want to revise this section because _______. Partner B: I think that section already works well because _______. Have you thought about revising _______ instead?

  • I agree with your decision to _______.

  • I wonder what would happen if you _______.

  • Can you explain your decision to _______?

    • Partner A: I want to revise this section because the language feels vague. Partner B: One idea to strengthen this section is to add a metaphor that conveys how the narrator feels. Partner A: I want to revise this section because it feels slow. Partner B: I think this section already moves quickly, because the description helps me really understand the setting. Have you thought about revising the dialogue instead? I agree with your decision to use present tense verbs in your section. I wonder what would happen if you used a simile to describe how the narrator feels. Can you explain your decision to add dialogue to the section?

Part B: Revise a Section of Your Personal Narrative (W.6.5, L.6.1.a, L.6.3.a) (20 minutes)

Have students revise their annotated sections. When students finish their annotations, direct them to use a highlighter to mark the changes they made. Encourage students to read aloud as they revise to check wording and pacing.

Revising an Excerpt

Say these Directions: Now you are going to take all the suggestions and ideas you have gathered in the peer review and annotation process and revise your selected section. Make sure to address the items on the annotation checklist as you revise your writing.

• • Follow the checklist as you annotate:

    • Circle vague words, such as upset, happy, stuff, and things.

    • Underline verbs and check their tenses.

    • Star one place where you can improve punctuation for pacing.

    • Put a square next to one area that needs more vivid language.

    • Put a box around words that are spelled incorrectly.

  • Sample responses will vary based on each student’s writing.  

• Say: After you have completed your revision, highlight the changes you made based on your annotations.

Quick Write

Have students reflect on the annotation process.

• Say: Write a short response to one of the following prompts:

  • One change I made that strengthened my writing was _____.

  • I know my revisions improved my writing because _____.

  • One strategy I will use in future writing is _____.

    • One change I made that strengthened my writing was adding a simile to describe how the narrator felt.

    • I know my revisions improved my writing because the story flows better now. It’s much more enjoyable to read!

    • One strategy I will use in future writing is circling all my verbs to make sure I am using the correct tense.

Instruct students to take notes in their Journal on the following prompt:

Read your excerpt out loud at least three times. You may read to a person, a pet, or practice in front of a mirror.

As you read, reflect and/or annotate your writing:

• Where should you slow down or pause based on punctuation?

• Does your dialogue sound natural and expressive?

• Are there places where your word choice or details could be clearer for your listener?