Lesson 39: Argument Essay: Revise Draft Research Essay

Guide students to hear the effect of sentence variety before they revise their own drafts. Partners should both speak so all students rehearse the language of evaluation.

Students stay with a nearby partner and face each other.

• Say: In the previous lesson, you fixed the part of your argument that needed the most attention, including claims, evidence, or counterclaims. Today, we are taking that work a step further by making our sentences sound stronger, clearer, and more formal. This matters because your final Performance Task needs more than good ideas; it needs writing that helps a reader trust your argument about fairness and opportunity.

Turn and Talk

Say these Directions: Read the following example paragraph silently once, and then listen as your partner reads the paragraph aloud. After each partner has had a chance to read the paragraph aloud at least once, discuss how the writing could be revised.

Example Paragraph:

“Women face workplace inequality. The pay gap still exists. It affects families. Change is needed. Some people say the problem is getting smaller. The problem is still serious.”

• Ask: How does this paragraph feel to read? What would make it better?

  • The paragraph feels choppy and repetitive because almost every sentence is short and sounds the same. It would be better if some ideas were combined and if one sentence gave more explanation. A stronger version could also use a formal sentence to introduce a counterclaim, like “Although some people say the gap is shrinking, the evidence shows it still affects women’s earnings.”

Connection to Today's Learning:

• Say: Writers make choices about syntax, or sentence structure, to control clarity, emphasis, and tone. Next, you will learn three specific moves you can use right away in your own arguments.

Explain the word syntax and connect it directly to the previous revision work. Then model sentence variety using a mentor line on the teacher sample topic of employment.

Revising for Syntax

Say these Directions: Today, we will be talking about syntax. Syntax means the way words and parts of sentences are arranged. When we revise syntax, we are not changing our ideas; we are changing how we build the sentences so the ideas sound clearer, stronger, and more logical.

• Say: First, take a look at this initial draft:

Before revision:

Women still face the gender pay gap. Some people say the gap has narrowed. The problem still affects earnings. It can limit wealth over time.

Teach: Revision moves

• Say: I can use an appositive: “The gender pay gap, a persistent form of workplace inequality, reduces long-term earnings for many women.”

• Say: I can also vary sentence length on purpose: “The gap is smaller than it once was. It still matters.”

• Say: Longer sentences help me explain why, and shorter sentences help me emphasize what the reader must remember.

Display the three revision moves:

1. Dependent clause opener: Although / Because / While + idea, main idea

2. Appositive: noun, added description, rest of sentence

3. Sentence length variety: short for emphasis, longer for explanation

Model with a plain paragraph based on the teacher topic of employment:

Before revision:

“Women still face the gender pay gap. Some people say the gap has narrowed. The problem still affects earnings. It can limit wealth over time.”

After revision:

Although the pay gap has narrowed slightly, women still face unequal earnings in many workplaces. The gender pay gap, a persistent form of workplace inequality, can limit income and wealth over time. Some people argue that the problem is nearly solved. It is not.

Encode the Word:

• Erase/Hide: Cover or hide the word. Stop displaying the word for a moment.

• Write the word syntax from memory in your Personal Dictionary.

• Display the word again and check your spelling. Correct it if needed.

• Since syntax is not built with an easy prefix and suffix in this lesson, underline the whole word and label it “sentence structure.”

• Ask: Which part of today’s lesson helped you remember the word syntax?

  • The example paragraph helped me remember it because I could hear how the sentence structure changed.

  • The word means sentence structure, so I remembered it by thinking about how the sentences were arranged.

Part A: Find Spots for Revision (L.7.1.b) (12 minutes)

Students should work on one paragraph of their own essay draft. Encourage students to choose a paragraph that already has ideas and evidence but still sounds repetitive or flat.

Checklist Reviews

Say these Directions: Take out your draft and choose one paragraph to revise. It can be a body paragraph or your counterclaim paragraph. Reread it once for meaning, and then reread it to look for at least two places where one of today’s syntax moves could make your writing stronger.

Display the following revision checklist:

• Does every sentence begin the same way?

• Could two related ideas be combined with a dependent clause?

• Could an appositive add precise explanation?

• Is there a place for a short sentence to emphasize an important point?

• If this is a counterclaim paragraph, could adding “although” help introduce the opposing view clearly?

Teach: Revision

• Say: Good revision is not random.

  • First, I reread my paragraph and listen for places where the writing feels repetitive or too simple.

  • Then I decide what the paragraph needs most: connection, explanation, or emphasis. If I need a connection, I may add a dependent clause. If I need additional explanation, I may use an appositive. If I want the reader to pause on an important idea, I may use a short sentence for emphasis.

  • I also check that the paragraph still sounds formal and keeps my claim or counterclaim clear.

• Ask: Which two places in your paragraph seem best for revision, and why?

  • The best places are my first two sentences because they both explain the same barrier and can be combined with a dependent clause. Another good place is the sentence after my evidence because I could add an appositive to explain who is affected more clearly.

• Say: You have three minutes to mark at least two revision spots in your paragraph. Begin.

Part B: Revise for Flow and Tone (W.7.1.a, W.7.4) (18 minutes)

Guide students in revising a paragraph using targeted syntax moves while maintaining a clear claim and formal tone.

Rehearse and Refine

Say these Directions: Now, revise your chosen paragraph. Use at least two of the three syntax moves from today’s lesson. As you revise, make sure your paragraph still has a clear claim or counterclaim, keeps a formal tone, and connects evidence to reasoning.

Display the following writing model if needed for support and guidance:

Original paragraph:

Some people say the gender pay gap is almost solved. The problem still affects women in many fields. It lowers long-term earnings. It also limits wealth-building over time.

Revised paragraph:

Although some people argue that the gender pay gap is nearly solved, the evidence shows that it still affects women in many fields. The pay gap, a persistent barrier to equal earnings, lowers long-term income and can limit wealth-building over time. Some progress has happened. The problem remains.

Teach: Revising a Paragraph without Losing the Argument

• Say: As I revise, I am not trying to sound fancy just to sound fancy. I want each sentence choice to do a job in my paragraph. I might start with Although to introduce a counterclaim clearly and then follow with my rebuttal. I can add an appositive when the reader needs a quick explanation of a key term or barrier.

• Say: I also pay attention to tone, so I replace casual phrases with precise words and keep my evidence and reasoning easy to follow.

• Say: When I finish, I reread the paragraph once to check flow and once to check that my claim still stands out.

• Ask: How did your revision improve the paragraph’s clarity, tone, or counterclaim/rebuttal structure?

  • My revision improved clarity because I combined two repeated sentences into one sentence with Although. It also improved tone because I changed casual words into more precise language. Since this is my counterclaim paragraph, the new opening helps the reader see the opposing view before my rebuttal.

• Say: Revise for 10 minutes. Then read one revised sentence to your partner and use the Peer Feedback Form to name one strength and one next step.

Provide students with a confidence continuum (i.e., 1–5). As needed, model how to demonstrate a level of confidence using the continuum.

Scoring Rubric

Have students identify a revised sentence and explain the syntax move used.

• Say: The sentence-level choices you made today are part of how writers make an argument persuasive, not just grammatically correct.

Quick Write

Say these Directions: For your exit ticket, write one sentence from your revision. Then name the syntax move you made and how it helped your writing.

• “Although some people argue that hiring discrimination has improved, it still blocks access to stable jobs for many workers.” I used a dependent clause opener. It helped me introduce the counterclaim clearly and made my tone sound more formal.

Optional Sentence Starter:

I used ________, and it improved my writing by ________.

Instruct students to reread their full draft once aloud.

And then ask them to complete the following tasks in their Journals:

• Mark one more paragraph that could benefit from sentence variety

• Note which move you plan to try in that paragraph in the next lesson.